deis nooz staff November 25, 2013

Girl Gets Stoned by Environmentalists on Kindness Day

A Brandeis student was stoned by a group of radical environmentalists on Chapels Field two weeks ago during the Kindness Day festivities. Sarah Sherman, a sophomore from Lakewood, NJ, tried to throw an empty water bottle into a trash bin but missed. Unaware that she had littered, Sherman walked away only to be pummeled moments later by dozens of rocks thrown by members of PEE (Peace by Environmental Extremism).

“Not only did she not try to recycle a plastic water bottle, but she missed the trash can entirely and just tried to walk away,” said Gwen Bladzinsky, who calls herself a PEE enthusiast, but did not throw a stone. “I spend my days trying to protect the environment. Trust me, they feel pain. The environment feels pain…it was Sarah’s time to feel pain too.”

When asked about whether stoning Sherman was an appropriate gesture, especially on Kindness Day, Bladzinsky said, “Well, I don’t think what she did to the environment was very kind.”  After a tumultuous few days, Sherman is recovering at Newton Wellesley Hospital. She has various bumps and contusions covering her body. Before being driven away by an ambulance, sources say representatives from the Brandeis University Health Center were heard telling the EMT: “give her a rabies shot, and maybe an ice pack. It looks like she was attacked by a coyote.”

Sherman, however, was in fact being incorrectly diagnosed. Health Center staffers could not be reached for comment.

Meanwhile, PEE continues its reign of terror on campus. Students who see people being violent in the name of environmental protection should seek safety, according to Director of Public Safety Edward Callahan. PEE has now stoned, assaulted, and urinated on people who they believe are hurting or disrupting the environment.

The elevator in Ridgewood B, another PEE attack site, has smelled like urine for weeks. Brandeis University Police believe that a senior was attempting to do his laundry without environmentally friendly, seventh generation detergent. A PEE staffer took notice, beat him with a stick, and then urinated all over him.

Meanwhile, there have been no arrests for the PEE members who stoned Sherman. Students who witnessed the attack refuse to name names because, “nobody wants to be a tattletale.” Callahan and the police force are trying their best to find new evidence that could lead to an arrest. They’re also trying to prevent students from crossing PEE’s path in the future.

“I’m all for environmental awareness as much as the next guy but this is getting severe,” Callahan said. “Keep your electrical appliances off. Always recycle. Ride a bike. Shop at Whole Foods. Oh, and whoever is putting those pieces of furniture around tree trunks throughout campus…run fast, run fast.”

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