deis nooz staff November 25, 2013

Sherman Scientifically Proven to be the Location of Hell

An inquiry carried out by scientists at Brandeis University has led to the discovery that the physical location of Hell happens to be Sherman Dining Hall.

Brandeis administrator Dr. Ari Cosgrove identified, “At first we were a bit skeptical about the results, but, after testing the facilities for uncomfortably stifling seats, few dining options, music choices, and horned beasts, it became clear that Sherman Dining Hall is the exact location of Hell.”

Research Assistant Glenn Isaac noted, “After noticing some anomalies within the metaphysical fabric of time, we determined that the source of all evil in the cosmos emanated through Sherman’s kitchens.”

Balthasar the Seventh Circle Lord of Demons, Guardian of Darkness, a food manager at Sherman noted, “For a while, I was wondering why I was getting flecks of persecuted human flesh in my sushi, now it makes sense,” as he was eating a cookie, and proceeded to torture a murderer for all eternity.

Satan, the head of Sherman described, “We pride ourselves on the best quality food at Sherman Dining Hall, and provide eternal pleasure for all of our patrons.”

Researchers are currently looking to test the hypothesis that the Kosher side is the exact location of Purgatory.


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