deis nooz staff November 26, 2013

Amar’e Stoudemire To Opt Out of Knicks Contract, Plans To Attend, Compete for Brandeis Judges

Brandeis Athletic Director Lynne Dempsey has been working on a secret recruiting project for some time now. A report was recently leaked to Deis Nooz that the project was in fact a success.

Dempsey has found perhaps the most incredible of all loopholes in the NCAA rule book. NBA players who went straight from high school to the pros in fact have two years of Division III eligibility. With his connections to the Brandeis student body, New York Knicks forward Amar’e Stoudemire will spurn his current franchise, the New York Knicks, by opting out of his contract, and will play for the Judges next season.

“My cousin Shlomo Yehuda Stoudemire graduated from Brandeis a few years back, and I feel a special connection to him,” Amar’e said in a special interview with Deis Nooz. “I really couldn’t imagine playing anywhere else, especially with my Jewish roots.”

Stoudemire may also have another reason for playing at Brandeis. It appears that former Brandeis president Jehuda Reinharz will pay Stoudemire about 50 percent of the ex-president’s salary.

“No comment,” Reinharz said.

Dempsey has been speaking to Stoudemire periodically throughout the project, and has convinced him that playing at Brandeis will give him the opportunity to succeed both on and off the court.

“Amar’e is a great kid,” she said. “But let’s be honest for a second, he should have gone to college, and now with this loophole, he will get himself a good education while playing for a national championship.”

Stoudemire has taken numerous trips to Israel, and even owns an Israeli basketball team, Hapoel Jerusalem.  In August, Stoudemire applied for Israeli citizenship.  In the past, Stoudemire has said he keeps Kosher and Shabbat, but these reports have since been proven false.  Now that he will be attending Brandeis, he has actually decided to observe Judaism and plans on joining BOO in their weekly services.  In addition, he plans to major in Near Eastern and Judaic Studies and has already expressed interest in taking Jewish Business Ethics and The Sociology of the American Jewish Community.

“Judaism fascinates me,” Stoudemire said. “Brandeis will give me the best opportunity to learn all I can about this great New York-based religion.”

Disclaimer: a lot of jews live in New York, but the religion has no basis in the city.

Despite the fact that the Judges could have Stoudemire next season, Coach Brian Meehan is not sure Stoudemire will contribute as much to the team as Dempsey has imagined. It appears that Stoudemire does not play what they call “Brandeis-style basketball.”

Meehan uses an uptempo offense and rugged full court pressure to take his opponents out of their rhythm. To say the least, Stoudemire is not known for his defense.

“I’m really not sure Stoudemire would be that helpful for us next season,” Meehan said. “There’s all this hype, and we’re getting rated number one for next season already, but I just don’t see it, maybe he can come off the bench.”

Stoudemire has suffered through a myriad of injuries over the last few seasons and may have trouble staying healthy, even at a much lower level. Dempsey has already taken it upon herself to remove any and all fire extinguishers from Gosman.  Any contributions he may be able to bring to the Judges offense could be quite helpful.

His contributions to the Brandeis community will surpass his work for the team. He plans on learning to read the Torah and will frequent the Chabad House on Turner St. every Friday night.

“I’m going to be a very good, observant jew,” he said. “Whether or not I play on Shabbat may be the hardest thing for me next year.”


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