November 26, 2013

First of the Pachanga Babies Expected after Thanksgiving

Brandeis students remember Pachanga 2013 fondly. The community was overwhelmingly happy that they could take something designed to promote international harmony and turn it into a lust-induced festival of sex. Invigorated students took the event as an opportunity to copulate wherever they could, be it beds, bathrooms, Massell Quad showers, or an unnamed university official’s desk. Now, nine months later, a wave of pregnancies resulting from the aforementioned night are expected to end, starting right after the Thanksgiving break.

“It was only after I got pregnant that I realized avoiding teen pregnancy isn’t a big deal,” says Barbara Steinman, a sophomore whose infant daughter is expected December 2nd. “But I can be proud of the fact that I know who the father is. Well he’s one of two people. Possibly three. No, definitely two. Maybe.”

Dean of Student Life Jamele Adams declined to comment on the issue, but delivered a statement wishing the dozens of soon-to-be mothers a swift birth and healthy children. It was recently confirmed that the hiring of a brand new OBGYN, Dr. Gloria Katherine, this year by the Brandeis Health Center was inspired by the inflated number of pregnancies. Furthermore, the Brandeis Police have announced that they think the evening was unquestionably successful, as there were no more drunk students biting them.

In addition to the founding of DeisCare, a university program where students can be paid to care for the Pachanga infants during class time, the new Lemberg School under construction has been modified to include a day care center for the students’ newborns. At the groundbreaking ceremony, Lemberg director Howard Baker announced that the center will be available to all students with a $5,000 tuition payment made directly to Ex-President Jehuda Reinharz.

 

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