December 2, 2013

Turkeys Revolt Against Remaining Hungry Brandeis Student Population Over Thanksgivikkah

The turkey’s of Brandeis rejoiced this Thanksgivikkah after their war with Brandeis students ended in victory. The victory has been credited to the cosmological combination of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah, known as “Thanksgivikkah”.

Aaron Gobblestine, a wild turkey at Brandeis, says “We have always cowered in fear of the human  population due to Thanksgiving, and now we celebrate Hanukkah in honor of our victory and the victory of our forefathers, who fought to defend this land against the colonial population.”

Jason Weiner, a psychology student from Omaha, Nebraska, claims “Since dining facilities have all closed up due to Thanksgiving, and we have tons of turkeys on campus, why not kill two birds at once, so to speak, and eat them for Thanksgiving.”

Sources indicate that tensions have mounted between Brandeis students and turkey kind since Tuesday night, when a coalition of turkeys disappeared near Sherman. Angered by the presumed slaughter of their kin, the Brandeis turkeys, under the leadership of Gobble Maccabee flew the coop, established camp in Sachar Woods, and began to strike back at the students, attacking those who approach them.

Rebecca Jacobson, an anthropology grad student, argues “It’s because the school doesn’t have the money to treat the student population to a proper Hanukkah dinner that we had to resort to this decimation. And now, we’re under attack by guerilla turkeys. Thanks a lot Reinharz.”

Maccabee, an alpha Brandeis Turkey, led the fight back the ravenous hordes of Brandeis students. “We held them off, but it took almost all of our resources. Thanksgiving has always been a terrible time for poultry at Brandeis due to the hunger of students left behind, but since it’s Thanksgivikkah, we had to hold out for seven more days than usual. It’s a frickin’ nightmare.”

Following the eight day struggle, Brandeis students stopped their siege against the fowl and have made peace with the birds with a traditional offering of “dreidels and latkes.” The treaty stated that Sachar Woods and Chapels Field would be given to the Turkeys in exchange for unrestricted travel rights for students. In exchange, the turkey’s will have their own free roam of the Brandeis campus, with dorm visiting rights to the first year quads so freshmen can take pictures of them and upload them to facebook every morning.

 

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