December 4, 2013

Freshman Has Emotional Breakdown Upon Learning that Louis Brandeis Is Dead

On November 24th, a freshman student caused a commotion after receiving the tragic news that University’s namesake Louis D. Brandeis was, in fact, no longer alive.

Many prospective students apply to Brandeis as die-hard Louis Brandeis fans, and some are taking the news of their idol’s half-century old death harder than others. Around 2:37pm, optimistic freshman Seth Bickel was devastated when his usual hobby of Googling Louis Brandeis turned horrific.

“I was perusing his Wikipedia page just like always and noticed that his date of death was in 1941,” said Bickel.  “I thought someone had edited the page to mess with me, but I kept googling and googling. It was true. Why did it have to be true?”

Observer reports say that the Bickel was found sobbing at the foot of the Louis Brandeis statue eating Einstein’s shmear straight from the container. When observers learned why the freshman was crying, they joined Bickel in his mourning and ceremonial snacking. “There have been a lot of unpleasant surprises since arriving here three months ago,” Bickel’s roommate told reporters, “but this has definitely been the hardest thing to cope with.”

It appears that Bickel’s response has triggered a chain reaction of despair with other Louis Brandeis fans, and a state of depression has overtaken the community.

University officials are double checking Wikipedia to confirm Louis Brandeis’ death. Brandeis University students will be holding a vigil in his memory tonight at 8:30 in the SCC atrium. Student Events says there will be pizza.

 

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