deis nooz staff December 12, 2013

Green Room Closed After Sorority Smackdown

University officials have closed the Upper Green Room in Goldfarb Library indefinitely just a few days after the start of the 24-hour library period.  Brandeis Police are citing an incident that escalated quickly between two young ladies of the Delta Delta Delta sorority, more commonly referred to as, “Tri-Delt,” or, “Triple D.”  While Brandeis University Police and the Greek Council would not give us an in depth look as to what happened, a source who witnessed the incident says it arose between a Big and her Little.

“My grand-niece Anna made her Big, Sarah, an incredibly beautiful paddle,” said Triple D member Emily Finkle.  “Anna put a lot of work into it! She painted on polka dot peace signs because Sarah loves equality and peace for all sisters. Sarah’s like, such a pacifist. It’s so inspiring.” Finkle went on to explain that the paddle followed all the rules, including Greek letters and sorority colors. “The only problem was that she didn’t put it on Instagram right away! That breaks the rules of sisterhood!”

The two involved in the incident have officially been identified as Anna Chudzinski and Sarah Zaltsman, the aforementioned Little and Big respectively.

As is customary in many sororities across the nation, members of Tri-Delt are required to take pictures of presents from their littles and post them across all forms of social media, including but not limited to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.  When Zaltsman did not place a picture of the aforementioned paddle on social media within the recommended 30 minute window, Chudzinski lost control and assaulted Zaltsman, according to eyewitness accounts.

“I mean, I know she’s my sister and you’re not supposed to talk bad about your sisters, but she should have just put it on Instagram!” exclaimed a distraught member of Tri-Delt.  “You can post the picture to Facebook and Twitter from Instagram!  You’re killing three birds with one stone, and by not doing it, Sarah was breaking sorority code! It’s like she doesn’t even understand what sisterhood means anymore.”

Another Tri-Delt member, who wishes to remain anonymous, said both girls should consider handing in their letters and deactivating from the charter for the time being. “You’re making the sisters look bad, you’re making the sisterhood look bad, and you’re making yourself look bad. Sisters just don’t do that to each other. They just don’t!”

The damage resulting from the fight is estimated to total over $100,000, the worst destruction the library has seen since November’s infamous library party. Amongst the damage were 5 broken chairs, estimated to cost a whopping $500 each, 3 tables, and the new touch screen gaming table that was conveniently added right before finals week to distract everyone from their work.

The scene generated a lot of buzz in the Upper Green room. First year student Joshua Renfield was particularly agitated by the scene. “I came to the Farber Mezzanine expecting to find a nice quiet study space, free from distraction” he complained to our reporters.

“It was super intense,” said onlooker Aaron Shen.  “When Anna threw Sarah into the touchscreen gaming table, it shattered and immediately caused an electrical fire!” Aaron, a member of University Greek life, admitted that he and his fellow brothers did enjoy the scene.  “Maybe this will be a new Tri-Delt initiation process or something. That’d be mad fun to watch.”

Aside from the resulting broken property and friendships, current members of Brandeis University Greek life have a bigger problem on their hands: Where will they migrate?  All socializing, homework, and meals occur in the Upper Green room.  Due to the temporary closing of Upper Green room, members of Greek life are confused as to where to live.

“We’ve tried the SCC, and we’ve tried our own dorms, but it just isn’t the same!” cried Delta Delta Delta member Elana Graziano.  “Nothing can replace the Upper Green room, it’s our home!”

The Green Room is expected to partially re-open tomorrow, just in time for fraternity Sigma Nu’s hell week, so they plan to isolate their smelly pledges in the back corner.

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