December 13, 2013

Pre-Law Student Takes Adderall During Midterm Week, Unintentionally Organizes The Stacks, Learns Organic Chemistry

Junior Brian Bernstein is just your average Pre-Law college student.  He enjoys playing squash at Gosman, lives in the Ziv residence hall, and has a paid internship at the law offices of Hebrewberg, Levinstein, & Christanson in Boston.  This finals week has been especially stressful for Bernstein, as he has three finals in two days.  However, during this finals period, Brian has received a little extra study help.  No, not from his well read English-speaking TA; Brian decided to try Adderall for the first time.

“My roommate had a whole bottle so I just pocketed a few. The experience was absolutely incredible,” said Bernstein.  “I got to the library at 1:00 pm and finished reading a 592 page book on Insurance Policy Fraud in just under 43 minutes.”

Bernstein decided that, with the Upper Green Room closed due to the Sorority Scrum, he would isolate himself in the stacks behind the LTS desk.  It was two days before Bernstein realized he hadn’t had a bite to eat since his Adderall bender, but as he was out of points already, he just popped another pill to help subside the hunger.

Law wasn’t the only thing that Bernstein studied while on his Adderall bender in the stacks.  After reading half of the Wikipedia database and memorizing all of Facebook, Brian decided to listen in on an Organic Chemistry study session.  After three hours, he had learned the entire Orgo curriculum.

“I don’t get what all the fuss is about!” exclaimed Bernstein.  “How could anybody be confused by this material?  Carbon molecules exist in positive states in nature and are called carbocations.  What is so hard about that?”

Brian was still feeling productive after his exams, so he returned to his den in the stacks to get some more work done, despite completing all of his coursework for the semester.  While in the stacks, he noticed a student struggling to find a book.  Bernstein realized how inconveniently the current categorization and book catalog are organized and decided to take measures into his own hands, reordering the stacks in a numero-alphatetized manner. “It just makes more sense this way,” Bernstein explained.

Bernstein collapsed due to malnutrition two hours later, and was carted away by BEMCO. He has since been released from his legal internship, as his consumption of Adderall violated the firms “cocaine only” policy.

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