January 30, 2014

Half of Male Brandeis Population Turns Themselves In After Suspecting That They Are The Peeping Tom

WALTHAM, Ma – Brandeis University Police have been overwhelmed by the latest university investigation involving a Peeping Tom in the women’s restroom on the third floor of the Hassenfeld Residence Hall.  On Monday night a female resident on the third floor reported that she caught a, “white male with dark straight hair,” peering into the shower stall.  With the incredibly specific description given to the Brandeis Police, the investigation has been narrowed down to approximately 1,600 individuals.

“I was so overwhelmed when Ed Callahan sent out that email,” explained Southeast Asian sophomore Derrick Woo, a native of Taiwan.  “Pretty much all of my friends are white males with straight dark hair, so I just turned them all in to the police.  The perp is bound to be one of them.”

The University Police were also shocked to find that of the 1,600 individuals, half had actually turned themselves in, as they were worried they had accidentally been the Peeping Tom.

“Honestly, I’m a white male with short dark hair!” exclaimed sophomore Erik Hirsch, who turned himself in to police.  “Who’s to say that I wasn’t the perpetrator?  I even live a floor above the scene of the crime!”

Brandeis Police plan on conducting a thorough investigation, beginning by placing the students in a line up that will stretch from Public Safety to the SCC.

“Hopefully our victim will be able to identify the culprit,” said Ed Callahan.

Students fearing the safety of the showers have asked for additional security measures to put in place including round the clock guards and watch dogs.

“Frankly, I’m just going to stick with some roll-on until they catch the guy,” said Sophomore Allison Mills.

Callahan said the University planned to hold special defensive showering classes in the coming weeks that would teach people how to shower while covering up their bodies. The courses would teach everything from showering in bathing suits to proper areola hiding tactics. Instructors of this program will be teaching Shampoo Kung Fu, a martial art that involves squirting soap into your attackers eyes.

Until that time that the individual has been identified, Brandeis Police have asked for vigilance.

“If you know someone who has short dark hair do not hesitate to call public safety,” said Callahan. “Even if it’s kind of long or they’re sort of Asian… we’re looking into every possibility.”

Former University President Jehuda Reinharz has generously offered up 1/7 of the bathrooms in his Waltham mansion for University females to use while the investigation continues.  The 24 bathrooms should suffice for now.

“And I haven’t had short dark hair in some time, so you don’t have to worry about me,” added the former President nervously before giving an unsettling wink that made our reporters uncomfortable.

With the larger than normal number of people needing to be locked up before processing, Brandeis Police have resorted to locking students in the basement of Spingold.

“It’s basically prison,” said Callahan.

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