January 31, 2014

BREAKING: East Quad Peeper Arrested

WALTHAM, MA – After a 24-hour university wide investigation, Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan announced that the so-called East Quad Peeper was apprehended early Wednesday afternoon.

According to his reports, the brazen pervert attempted to gain entry into a Hassenfeld girl’s dorm through a window, but couldn’t manage to pry the window open.

“Thanks to the quick thinking of one Brandeis student, the perp was caught in the act on video,” Callahan said.

The forty-four second video captured the criminal, complete with a blow-by-blow description of the act. The clip could play an important role in future trials.

“Top notch commentary,” agreed sophomores Len Price and Carey Goldstein.  “I wasn’t there but due to the vigilante’s narration I knew exactly what was happening.  I also want to point out how noble it was of the person with the camera to ask if the Peeper was ok after.”

The crime-stopping student has been placed in the witness protection program for his own safety.  It has been reported by multiple sources that the Peeper has a network of foul goons and hitmen, including a canadian gang who may have headed south for the winter. They reportedly crossed into the United States illegally without passports or other documentation.

Witnesses say the Peeper did not go down easily. Police grappled with him for several minutes.

“He was rude to officers,” said onlooker Tony Delmonico. “He cussed and shouted and flipped the bird!”

The perp, who will not be named due to federal education privacy statutes, was quick to admit to his spree of shower-stalking crimes.

“Once we bagged him and carted him away, our investigation was smooth as gravy,” Callahan said. “We sat him down in the investigation room and he just started to gobble!”

Callahan said the criminal was relatively inexperienced. His actions were consistent of someone without a plan. He was “just sort of winging it” according to Callahan.

Students are hoping that justice is swift and strong.

“I had to quit showering cold-turkey when I heard about the Peeping Tom!” said sophomore Kelly Cubler. “I want to see this guy fry for what he did!”

Callahan assured that the University would seek the maximum penalty for his crimes. “We want to send a message that this sort of behavior doesn’t fly at Brandeis,” he said. “It doesn’t fly anywhere.”

Callahan also announced the release of the suspects from the basement of Spingold who had turned themselves in.  He is expected to announce the end of their hunger strike later today.

In an email to students, faculty and staff, President Fred Lawrence thanked everyone for their hard work and vigilance in nabbing the bad-guy. “The members of the Brandeis community are unflappable,” he wrote. “You showed tremendous courage in the face of fear. Even though things can get heated, we can always come together as a tight-knit community, stuffed with love and compassion. Together we can carve a new path!”

On an unrelated note, Turkey was served Wednesday night on the non-kosher side of Sherman. The kosher-side served dairy.

 

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