deis nooz staff March 17, 2014

BREAKING: Farber Library Named Best Place on Campus to Masturbate

For the first time in four years there’s a new leading location for self-stimulation at Brandeis. SSIS released their popular list Tuesday, which ranked Farber Library as the best place to jerk off, knocking The SCC Private Bathrooms from its position at the top.

SSIS’s “Top Wanking List” has been published since 2005 on the counseling center’s website.

“Next to our 10 condom for a dollar deal, the ranking is one of our more popular services,” said senior Said Mahmood. “It’s like the US News college ranking system, just for tugging it.”

Locations on campus are ranked on four criteria: comfort, ease of access, discreetness, and sexiness.

“The [Farber] Library got near perfect scores!” said Mahmood.

Other surprising additions to this year’s list include the C-Store and Louis’ Deli.

The top 5 from the list can be found printed below:

1.     Farber Library

2.     SCC Private Bathrooms

3.     Slosberg Practice Rooms

4.     Golding 110

5.     Gosman Bridge

Where’s your favorite place to release your tadpole soldiers? Tell us at


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