April 3, 2014

Jehuda Reinharz Connected To Outage

Buildings across the Brandeis University campus lost power Thursday afternoon at the peak of the recently nice weather.  The outage left classrooms and dormitories in the dark, and students stuck in elevators.  University officials identified the compromised generator and reported to the scene immediately, where they apprehended the suspect who was attempting to flee the scene of the crime.  University Police have identified the perpetrator as former University President Jehuda Reinharz.  The police also recovered the scissors Reinharz used to cut the power.

“This was Jehuda’s attempt at a power grab,” stated Director of Public Safety Ed Callahan.  “Jehuda hasn’t been a front page story in a few months, this was his attempt at brightening the headlines,” continued Callahan.

This is not Reinharz’s first time taking things too literally. Most notably he’s been making an ‘ass’ of himself for the last several years by studying donkeys.

According to eyewitness accounts, Reinharz ran across campus holding live wires screaming, “Who’s got the power now, bitches?”

Deis Nooz received exclusive access to interview Reinharz immediately following his arrest.  He had this to say:

“Yeah, I did it.  I cut the wires.  I’ll be honest, I wanted to be in the spotlight. And that’s when the lightbulb went off.  Cutting off all voltage to major campus buildings would surely electrify the Brandeis Community!”

[All this comes right after the announcement that Reinharz was nominated for comedy’s coveted, “Easiest Target” award. Said Reinhartz, “Waaaaah!”]

While power was lost throughout many campus buildings, Wifi remained on throughout the whole debacle.  Police suspect that this was to ‘generate’ buzz around student’s social media accounts.  With tuition expected to rise again in the coming school year, Reinharz decided to take budget cuts into his own hands.

Economics Professor, Michael “Moneybags” Coiner, estimated the few hours without power would save the university 2.4 million dollars, or enough to pay for Reinharz’ breakfast tomorrow.

Students in the Survivalist Club were holding a bake sale before the power went out, but have reportedly hoarded all the baked goods to themselves and are currently lost somewhere in Sachar Woods.

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