February 12, 2015

Brandeis Running Out of Rugs to Push Controversies Under

WALTHAM – Dean Andrew Flagel expressed his distress to Deis Nooz about the growing lack of rugs under which to push all the recent controversies. The heavy amount of controversies to recently hit the east-coast university has resulted in a growing need to hide these troubles out of site. Unfortunately, much of the rug space is already occupied by messes started in previous PR storms.

This semester, Brandeis University has seen a historical amount of downfall. In fact, media analysis shows that the university is facing the most amount of controversies possible for a university in such a short amount of time.

“Well, we had that whole free speech thing over break, and then it just kept coming down, fast,” said Flagel. From faculty members leaving to controversial speakers, Brandeis has seen its fair share of the heavy, sticky stuff since last year.

“The problem is at this point there’s just so much, we don’t really know where to put it,” said Flagel. “We’ve tried to brush it under most of the rugs on campus, but the heavy amount is making the piles higher than ever before.”

“Our crews are working overtime to try to make the campus clear for everyone. There’s some rough patches, but I think we’re going to make it through,” said public safety director Ed Callahan in a press release to students regarding the recent PR storms.

The most recent scandal to hit dumped several layers of controversy on the already suffering university. President Lawrence announced his departure, but many suspect he is being forcibly pushed out. Either way, Brandeis plans to plow it under a rug, assuming the administration can find the space.

Some students are enjoying the controversies. Many have been comparing the President controversy to Disney’s Frozen, in which a princess uses her powers for evil and ends up creating controversies for everyone. One student recently posted a picture of President Fred Lawrence with the topical caption “Let it go.” 

University officials have made sure to let everyone know that they do not plan on making up for these controversies. Provost Lisa Lynch reminded students that “these coming days will require continuing patience as, sadly, more controversies are expected towards the end of this week.” Students predict the next controversy will be the castle roof falling on a student, pork found on the kosher side of Sherman, or F-Law nude leaks.

Lisa Lynch warns students not to cause any more controversy, specifically eyeing groups dedicated to staging protests on campus. “Even with our best efforts there are likely to always be slippery events across any campus, so please go carefully and cautiously and try not to make us look any worse. It’s shitty everywhere. ”

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