WALTHAM – College is a difficult time for many. A national study conducted by U.S. News & World Report revealed that up to 87% of college students have cited trying experiences when navigating parties, classes, and friendships. Andrew “Andy” Sanderson, a sophomore, has an especially tough time with the latter. “It’s hard,” said the Anthropology major, “I met all these new people, but I just can’t figure out if they are super pretentious or just high.” Sanderson later remarked that he would be fine if his friends are high, because he “isn’t a narc” but he “doesn’t really love” the company of pretentious people.
These high or pretentious people are prone to certain habits that while they distinguish them from normal society, do not enable the general public to discern whether such people are on drugs or not. These effects can include looking at everyday objects and having a life-changing realization and all the punch lines of their jokes are “the bourgeoisie.”
This problem is not just an issue amongst youth; adults may also include the “annoyingly pretentious or just high.” These type of people often grow up to be the sort who wear suits and Teva sandals with no socks, have Harvey Davidson cufflinks, or even keep a record player under a stack of unfolded socks and kitschy Highlights magazines. According to a Yale Department of Psychology study, a shocking 46% of these students grow up to be “that guy” at the local golf club. Yes, that guy.
We went to find one of the ambiguously high/pretentious friends in question, a junior double majoring in Music and Sculpture named Chris Wyatt. He was easy to spot, aided in part by his ratty blazer and ironic Mickey Mouse t-shirt. When asked about his friendship with Sanderson, Wyatt said, “You know, what is friendship, if you will, but a sense of familiarity that both parties, although repulsed, but both know such a partnership, if you will, could be worse if searched for in other beings.” Wyatt then scanned the heavens, made a remark about having to check a sundial, and meandered off. The author of this report walked away confused and slightly irritated, not sure whether to judge or feel judged. There was no conclusive result as to whether Wyatt was either high or extremely pretentious.
The National Resource for Enduring the Ambiguously High or Pretentious (NREAHP) says while these people are hard to avoid, one can take a class in a pure science or have a dog that is not a rescue. They also warn that when the unbearably pretentious do become high, it is best for bystanders to avoid any interactions, lest they become trapped in a discussion of lutes, how Target has destroyed America, the word “symbiosis,” or Buffy the Vampire Slayer.