March 29, 2015

Health Center Staff Actually Just Toddlers in Disguise

WALTHAM – The Brandeis Health Center is, according to their website, a “fully operational health center, where we, the Brandeis Health Center, are fully committed to giving you, special you, the best care you deserve.”

But, what do students “deserve”? Deis Nooz launched a full-scale operation to investigate. The results, while upsetting, were not shocking. The Brandeis Health Center is actually staffed by toddlers standing on each other’s shoulders and wearing a trench coat, as popularized by the 1994 movie, The Little Rascals.

“What? That’s crazy!” said Nurse Practitioner Avery Banks, “I am a real adult licensed person. I can show you my driver’s license!” Upon fumbling through a Ziploc bag full of Cheerios she pretended was a wallet, she could only pull out a license from Legoland. “I’m sorry. I must have left it in my taxes and alcohol that I eat. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go see some medicine.” Then in a whisper aimed at her own legs, “Come on, Hazel, move.” Banks then teetered, and slowly and awkwardly walked away.

Suspicions first arose when one student, Pete Geiss, noticed that the blood pressure cuff was an unusually bright color and appeared to have the Fisher Price insignia on it. “I thought it was strange when NP Josh Dexter was checking my vitals signs, a comically large mustache fell off his face. Also, he asked my age, and when I said “twenty-two,” the nurse said, ‘Oh my gosh, you are so old. You’re like my mom.’ I thought that was just super odd, but I was really sick and they refused to do a work up of my blood. ‘Ew! Blood is gross!’ Dexter shouted. And then I heard another voice come from inside his coat saying, “Ugh. Josh! You just kicked me in the mouth.’ Josh then said, ‘Sorry, Kenneth,’ but I saw Nurse Josh roll his eyes.”

When Deis Nooz requested to see a doctor, they were told that he was not there that day. Apparently, his mother grounded him when he ate a crayon last week. He will be absent from the Health Center for the foreseeable future, but you can always go to Urgent Care if you really need to see a doctor.

The administration has been characteristically tight lipped about this investigation. President Fred Lawrence remains adamant that the Health Center is, “run by adult professionals.” However, he asked that, “students and faculty member not give the Health Center employees Sour Punch Straws and 7-Up because it makes them too hyper.” He further assured Deis Nooz that he does not hire toddlers as a cost preventative measure and also requested that students avoid getting sick on the weekend, to do otherwise would be a front to the principles Brandeis stands upon. Asked what principles would be specifically affected by being sick on weekends, President Lawrence responded, “I need to go do some more presidenting and thought thinking.” Then in a whisper aimed at his size four, light up shoes, “Ok, Floyd, let’s go watch the Wonder Pets.” President Lawrence then teetered, and slowly and awkwardly walked away.

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