April 10, 2015

Fred Lawrence Expresses Opinion On Harry Potter

WALTHAM – President Fred Lawrence sent an email out to the Brandeis community earlier this month regarding a tuition hike next year, which is scheduled to increase 3.7% from this year’s price. Later in the letter, the President further angered students by reflecting that “Harry Potter fucking sucks!”

These closing words upset much of the Brandeis community who hold the teen wizard close to their hearts, and consider the magical world of Hogwarts an integral part of their formative years.

“Just call it Freddy’s last words,” said Lawrence, who plans to leave his position at the end of the year. “I’m sick and tired of this campus’s obsession with that freak magician, it makes me ill. If the Brandeis mascot wasn’t the judge, I would make the face of Brandeis some dark wizard or something.”

Holding back nothing, he continued that he was “considering cutting all funding for that goddamn Quidditch club before I leave,” and that he “never understood the hype anyways, especially since the Series of Unfortunate Events was a much better series of children’s novels.”

When one of our reporters asked for a follow-up, the mudblood President declined to comment, but ‘Deis Nooz later received a note that said “I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, BITCH.” ‘Deis Nooz will also be investigating a rumor that President Fred Lawrence hates Game of Thrones.

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