deis nooz staff September 9, 2015

First Year Student Impresses in Early Days of Class

WALTHAM— First year student Marvin Masterson is certainly making a name for himself in class. According to eyewitness reports, Masterson has raised his hand at nearly every question proposed, and always seems to know the right answer.

“This kid is so smart!” said junior Laurie Thompson without a hint of sarcasm. “It’s a good thing we have his input to move the conversation along.”

Others agree that Masterson and his “squeaky freshman voice,” have been a vital factor in classroom discussion.

“It’s not every day you meet someone who knows the answers to absolutely everything and has no qualms about letting everyone know that they know,” said senior Alfred Frank. “Truly a breath of fresh air.”

Experts in the field of class participation differ on where Masterson might go in the following years.

Some believe he’ll eventually grow out of his hand-raising tendency. “It’s just not sustainable,” said Dr. Levy Pfeffer. “Eventually all students grow tired and cynical. Plus raising your hand can get tiring.”

Dr. Esther Web says there’s no reason for Masterson to stop. “Some people are little shits their whole life.”

This article will be updated as more news of his shittiness comes in.

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