November 9, 2015

Crashing points futures leads to run on C-Store

WALTHAM– Panic-stricken Brandeis students took to the C-Store and other campus food locations in droves last Thursday due to fears brought on by declines in the meal point futures market. Lines stretched 20 customers long at times throughout the day as undergraduates scrambled to exchange their rapidly devaluing points for material goods.

Point futures have been in steady decline recently due to rising costs at the C-Store and the lowering of class year sizes, leading to fewer students buying into the meal plan market. “The points economy is rigged. That’s why I’m voting for Bernie Sanders – so that the system will finally work for me,” stated sophomore Barry Seymour.

“We should build a wall and have Sodexo pay for it,” first year Danielle Schwartz shouted in response, who has so far not taken note of the wall already erected by Sodexo in Lower Usdan.

“I have 470 points left, but tomorrow they could all be worthless. I have to spend them while I still can,” stated Sophomore Aaron Weisman, who was in line at the C-Store clutching 6 boxes of Entenmann’s Little Bites.

In a spontaneous attempt to calm pointsholders’ nerves, Senior Vice President of Students, Meal Plans & Enrollment Andrew Flagel stood to speak from atop a table in Upper Usdan.

“Return to your residence halls, stay calm, and use your meal swipes” Flagel advised as students rushed past, loudly calling out their burrito bowl orders to frantic Currito workers.

Friday afternoon there were additional reports of students arriving at Einsteins and Louis’ Deli, however they were turned away due to the impending Shabbos shutdown.

Pho Noodle in Upper Usdan remained empty throughout the crisis.

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